NursingLink

I was wondering if any of you would want to share  what it was like the first time death was presented to you in a hospital, or even any death you have had to deal with.

What happened to the person who died? What sort of feelings were running through your body? How did you deal with it afterwards? Did you have to comfort the family?

I have seen many deaths, and each one is different. The hardest ones to deal with are the ones that I have taken care of for so long. Being on an oncology floor we have lots of repeat patients. They come in to receive chemo that takes a few days to receive, complications of chemo, anemia, etc. Then they finally get to a point where they come and never go home. They are often made an "In-House Hospice" patient.

I really don't remember my first death. Most all the deaths I have had, have been due to cancer. It is harder to deal with when the family is present, especially if they are emotional. You have some that are and some that aren't. It is sad though when a patient passes and there is no family present. Of course you comfort the family, offer to make calls and give them privacy.

I guess my hardest one was a youger woman maybe in her late 40's that had cancer. She had 3 young daughters in the room when she passed. One was in middle school, one a high schooler and I think the other one was out of high school. They lost it and I almost did too. I had to leave the room. I couldn't help but think of my daughter and what they would go through if she lost me.

Another one i had was another female maybe in her 60's with Cancer. Her daughters had stayed with her through the night and she passed right at 7am. The daughters tried to get in touch with their dad before he got to the hospital but couldn't contact him. I saw him come in, and head for the room, not even knowing what he was going to find when he walked in. The daughters were in the room, so I didn't intercept him. I really don't know if this was the right thing to do or not. I felt the news would be easier coming from his daughters.

So lets here some of your stories. It may help others to know how we deal with death, and help them to be somewhat prepared.



 

Thanks RiannaP!

I really don't feel like a stong person. I am very emotional and wear my emotions on my sleeve at times. I know this can be a bad thing. Death is hard to deal with no matter what. You do become attached to your patients after you have taken care of them so long. You also become attached to the families. But it's okay to cry with the famlies too. It lets them know that you care.

I really hope that others will post their experiences too.

My first experience was as a young LPN in VA. One of the residents was found gone and she was a full code, so I started (these were the old days of no mask). While I first started compressions the aides thought we should sit her up and that would help her, I would have to stop and put the HOB back down. We did this cycle a couple times, HOB down, compressions, breath, HOB up...I'd jump down and put the HOB down and we'd start all over. In the mean time, my dear resident preceeded to vomit, while I was blowing. So I added spit to the routine above. Once the supervisor and EMS arrived we got going on a normal cycle. When the family got there they were chanting, rolling on the bed with the resident, on the floor, they were singing praying and crying. This was very different from  what I had ever seen, coming from MT. I have a very hard time to this day calling and telling family or seeing them, I just cry. I have no problems caring for someone that has passed. I talk to them during care, getting them ready to leave the unit or facility.

I don't remember dealing with the death of a patient when I was working in the hospital, but I learned real fast when I worked in hospice. I had been part of the family for some time, having coffee with them and you'll find in  hospice, that the patient's and families behaiors are SOOO different than when they're stressed in the hospital.

Yes,  they're stressed now, because  a family member is gravely ill, but if you're able to meet their needs and reassure them  and be technically proficient, they warm up to you and welcome you into their lives. It was with this feeling  that I was able to deal with the death of a patient. Because I had forged wonderful relationships with their family members and friends; some of whom I still remember to this day.

it seemed to me that when the family members were able to understand that their loved one was no longer suffering horribly (physically andd emotionally)  that they'd come to a peace. They'd miss their loved one  who'd just made a trannsition, but they'd have found peace with it. Isn't that the goal of helping a patient through the dying process. For the patient to die in dignitty and the family to find peace?

Annie

I have cried with the family with every single death, I've witnessed.  On a few occasions,I was the only one there with person dying, so I cried alone.  My most memorable/stressful/painful death was the loss of a 19 year old young man, from a motorcycle accident.  He had been a very troubled kid, turned his life around,  got his GED at the age of 17, was an emancipated minor, (when the legal age was still 21) was on the dean's list at a local university. He was estranged from his father and step mother because of the previous problems.  He was wiped out on his motorcycle by a driver who ran a red light. 

His counselor/friend was there, when his father and step mother arrived.  His father showed no emotion, while his step mother was ranting and raving saying it was poetic justice etc,.  I was absolutely appalled.  He had in his wallet a donor card, so organ recovery was involved.  They had evaluated him and found him to be in excellent health.  The father sat there and said very little, while the step mother was just awful.  The young man's counselor/friend quietly sat and talked to them, and soon the step mother shut up.  Since I was in charge of the OR I was involved, far more than I wanted to be.  I had walked out of the ER and came back when I happened to see his dad standing in the corner sobbing and  shaking.  I got him a chair and a cup of cold water and helped him sit.  He suddenly grabbed me around the waist and just held on and continued to cry, saying he wished he had taken Jame's call two days earlier.  But he had still been so angry with him, he wasn't yet ready to talk, now he never would.  I learned that day to never forego the opportunity to talk to someone you love, no matter how angry you are with them.  At least with the organ's James donated, he lives on in others.

Well death is veary difficult for some hospice is a lovely experience for individuals who know thay are about to die my pt's loved the experience thay said to have there family all so close is a blessing one told my b-4 his home going.

I can trully say that death for me is not an easy subject I dont know why but to me I fell that it is allways more easy to know that the individual is no longer in pain but I cant say to anyone just get over it because in reality the truth is that we dont allways do.

My child's father had a home going almost 2 yrs now and I am still not able to let go, so I say like this each individual we come across has a different step in are life and the good things that they bring in are life will remain with us forever.

Cicely Saunders, founder of St. Christopher’s Hospice in London and initiator of the modern hospice movement, said that

dying persons ask three things of their caregivers:

(1) “Help me” (minimize my distress)

(2) “Listen to me” (let me direct things or at least be heard)

(3) “Don’t leave me” (stay with me; give me your presence)

As caregivers we need to remember that everyone deserves to die with dignity. No one should have to die alone.

squirmals says ...

 

Cicely Saunders, founder of St. Christopher’s Hospice in London and initiator of the modern hospice movement, said that

dying persons ask three things of their caregivers:

(1) “Help me” (minimize my distress)

(2) “Listen to me” (let me direct things or at least be heard)

(3) “Don’t leave me” (stay with me; give me your presence)

As caregivers we need to remember that everyone deserves to die with dignity. No one should have to die alone.

 

 good information!

What a horrible thing for you to deal with as a student. Death is hard enough to deal with when it is an elderly person or someone that has been battling cancer for years and finally loses their battle. But to witness the death of a 4 month old would be awful. I guess that is why I could never work in the ED or with pediatrics. I would just have a hard time dealing with death of  young people.

I am sure it is something you will never forget.

RNdude says ...

I don't remember my first death.  It's unfortunate, but after so many there are only a handful that stand out.

 

 

RNdude please share with us the handful of experiences you've had that stands out.

T_kj3 I am so sorry for your losses. What a terrible way to learn about your brother's death. I understand what you are saying. My Mom died unexpectantly 1 1/2 years ago and I am just now waking up from the fog. It shocks your senses when a loved one dies and is taken away from you.  I have have had other losses too, my father and my brother both died suddenly and my little daughter died from leukemia at the age of 4, after being sick for a year.That one was the hardest, watching her grow weaker each day and not being able to help her. The doctor had tried to prepare me for her eventual death but how can one prepare for the death of a loved one?  I  remember him talking to me the day before she died. He had a big bright bowtie on and that's what I stared at the whole time. I was inconsolable when she died. It's been 41 years since her death and I still mourn for her. Each one makes it harder and harder to bear and leaves a big hole in your heart. My way of "coping" is to shut down, turn inside myself, shut myself away from others . Trying not to think or feel the pain. It doesn't really work. Everytime a patient dies, there is someone somewhere who feels this way. too.

Growing up, I experienced the heartbreak of family members passing. I had to "set my feelings aside" for my little sister's sake. At work, over the past several years, death has become part of living, and I do as much as I can both for the patient and their family, if they will let me. I remember a patient who was brought into the hospital for the express reason "to die". As I was passing his room, I noticed one of the family members looking at his watch. That brought out more emotion that the act of dieing itself. There was a whole list of things I wanted to say to the family but I vented on a coworker instead. Maybe I misread this action, but I thought the patient must not be keeping on schedule to go ahead and die so the family could get on with living. I have, however, learned through very personal experience that what goes around comes around. I still see and chat with a daughter whose mother passed a little over a year ago. We have become friends and I can relate because I lost my mother...she was 44 and I was 18.

The worst experience was when the funeral director took the family (one was a coworker) into the hall and was discussing money (after 10 pm) and I could hear him in his loud voice. At that point I whispered to him that there were still patients there who were still alive and hoped to go home soon and if I could hear his conversation, they could too. My sympathy at that time was with the family who were not rich and were trying to comply with their Dad's wish of being buried in a pine box and here was this man who acted as though he had stepped into something disagreeable and it wouldn't come off his shoe. He had obviously replaced compassion with dollar signs.

The good thing is that God allows me to put my feelings aside and concentrate on the family and the patient and what still needs to be done. For that, I am forever thankful.

charlita says ...

T_kj3 I am so sorry for your losses. What a terrible way to learn about your brother's death. I understand what you are saying. My Mom died unexpectantly 1 1/2 years ago and I am just now waking up from the fog. It shocks your senses when a loved one dies and is taken away from you.  I have have had other losses too, my father and my brother both died suddenly and my little daughter died from leukemia at the age of 4, after being sick for a year.That one was the hardest, watching her grow weaker each day and not being able to help her. The doctor had tried to prepare me for her eventual death but how can one prepare for the death of a loved one?  I  remember him talking to me the day before she died. He had a big bright bowtie on and that's what I stared at the whole time. I was inconsolable when she died. It's been 41 years since her death and I still mourn for her. Each one makes it harder and harder to bear and leaves a big hole in your heart. My way of "coping" is to shut down, turn inside myself, shut myself away from others . Trying not to think or feel the pain. It doesn't really work. Everytime a patient dies, there is someone somewhere who feels this way. too.

I am terribly sorry to here this Charlita.  I usually try not to think about the pain but there is always something there that reminds me of it.  I've learned to not ignore it and I also keep a part of him alive by continuing to laugh about things we used to enjoy doing together.  I still do the things we used to do.  I couldn't imagine experiencing the loss of a child.  Reading some of these entries makes me cringe at the thought of working in peds or ED.  I agree that time doesn't heal when it comes to the loss of a loved one.

Tracey

 I lost my father not too long ago, it is still too painful to talk about. I made it to the hospital minutes before he took his last breath I was thankful for that.

I have never been in a clinical situation when it came to death, but my first real dealings with death was when my grandmother died. 

She was my hero, I loved that woman very very much.  She struggled for so so long with Congestive Heart Failure.  She was given a pacemaker and then an "expieremental drug" that really did nothing to prolong her life.  She always had goals, she traveled with my Papa in their RV, but she really got too sick.  My father and I rushed to her side many times....but she always recovered. 

The day she passed away, my mum, father (her son), my sister and I were the last ones she saw.  The nurse came in and gave her something in her IV.  She had this smell about her, she was decomposing from the inside.  My grandfather kept sniffing his shirt, thinking it was him, but it was my Meme.  The Doctor came in and he was yelling into her ear, and I remember she did not respond, but she was still alive.  He touched her stomach and the look on her face, I remember it to this day was more of a look of "please let me be in peace" rather then "ouch that hurts."   We left....and because I thought she would bounce back like she always did, I only said I will see you tomorrow.  I regret not giving her one last kiss and telling her I love her.  That night, she passed.  The nurses saw her heart rate slowing, so two of them went in and held her hands, so she wasn't alone.  She was about an 1hr from my grandfather and about 3 from us.  I woke up and heard my dad talking to my Uncle and knew right away. 

I became very depressed and dreamed about her.  I still am very sad that I never said I love you, but as my Daddy says, she knew I did.  I remember one time when she was on life support, I told her to hang on and that I needed her.  She heard me and told my mom that is why she made it through. 

I sang at her funeral....which helped heal me some.  I still to this day miss her like her death was just yesterday.  Not a day goes by she doesn't enter my mind.

Well....I probably got way off subject....sorry.  Basically I felt at peace once I saw her in her coffin, but it took me a very long time to accept it and be ok.